June 6, 2020

For Your Funny Bone: “The Thanksgiving I’ll Always Remember”


The event began with a great start: I got elected this year
to have Thanksgiving at my house. I was overjoyed. What an honor for them to
think of me. I am the one who works 60 hours a week, has small children to care
for, and never cooks, so of course, my family thought it would be great for me
to host it. Such a logical choice!

After getting up at 5am the day of the event to clean, my
family and their guests started to arrive…EARLY! I had not even showered yet,
had been cleaning for 5 hours, and here comes Hayley the perfect college girl,
and her new boyfriend at the door. I ran to hide. I made my son answer the
door, as I snuck up the stairs. I slowly tiptoed up on the edges of the steps
so I could avoid the spot that creeks. But, as luck would have it, she appeared
right behind me as I make it to the top step.

“Auntie! Hello! Come here, I want you to meet my new boyfriend.” She squeeled. She had a
new one every time I saw her, so this wasn’t really “NEW”.

She would be sorry for wanting to introduce me now, to
anyone. I turned around, brushed my hair out of my face, straightened my ratty cleaning
t-shirt and sweat pants with bleach stains, came back down the stairs and held
out my arms.

“Hello Honey. I wasn’t presentable yet. I was cleaning, and
haven’t changed my clothes.” I said through my gritted teeth.

“Oh, don’t worry about it! We know you don’t always look
THAT BAD!” She cheerfully said in reply. It was so nice of her to notice.

After greeting her young, “Mr. Perfect” college boyfriend, I
retreated back up the stairs to bathe and get presentable.

I returned after an hour to find ALL of my family had now
shown up, and my two children were entertaining, and my husband was watching
football on the sofa, blasting his new “surround sound” speaker system for

“What are you doing, honey? The tv is so loud that neighbors
can hear it too!” I said, giving him the evil eye.

“Oh, yeah. Grandpa was checking out the sound. I wanted him
to FEEL like he was at the game! I turned up the bass, a little.” The bass from
the speakers was rattling the windows.
It was more than a little turned up! He winked at me,
trying to be cute, and I pictured myself hitting him over the head with his
little TV remote.

I moved on, trying to ignore it, and shut the doors behind
me. I went to the kitchen to check on my Thanksgiving “feast” that I was
preparing. I looked over at the counter and everyone had placed their dishes
all over the place. Food was everywhere. People had already been in here
snacking, too, so there were already dirty dishes in the sink and spills on the
floor that I had just mopped. Perfect.

The cats were meowing at the door, so I let them in to feed
them. They scurried over to the spill, and started licking it up, so I let them
finish. It was one less mess I had to clean. Good kitty.

After I got everything situated and organized (somewhat) it
was time to eat. People I had not met were here, and then they brought people,
so we had a full house of over 28. I didn’t know how we were going to seat

Seating ended up as a “rotation”. If you got up, you lost
your seat, because someone else was going to get it. When grandpa got up, “Mr.

Perfect” took his seat, then the cat stuck its head out from behind the chair
and ate out of his plate. So, I directed him to a new chair at the table in the
kitchen, and made him a new plate.

I never got to sit down, so I didn’t need a seat. My twin
nieces who are three years old, were running around the table in circles, so
they didn’t ever sit down. I wanted to chain their little fannies to a chair,
and make them sit still, but that’s different.

Things were getting crazy with the loud tv blaring and
shaking the windows, kids running in circles, people I didn’t know walking
around my house, and babies crying. I was glad to be in the kitchen. I opened
the refrigerator door to get more drinks, and I slung the door open too wide,
trying to hurry. I accidentally hit my little nephew in the eye with the
refrigerator handle. An hour later, it was turning blue. I had blackened his eye
with the refrigerator door. I felt terrible. It was just that kind of day.

My brother, who is the family commedian, started calling me
“Heavyweight Champ”, and as you can imagine, I really wanted to punch him,
instead. I took a moment and imagined hitting my brother over the head with
that bottle in his hand, but a new crisis
was calling me. I had to go see what it was.

Someone had overflowed and stopped up the toilet. It could
have been the crazy twins, or maybe Grandpa, but regardless. I had a floater to
deal with. Now, everyone who had to use the bathroom got to use the messy one
upstairs that was never cleaned. Just another thing to be thankful for, this

After cleaning the bathroom floor, again, Grandma was heard
in the living room calling for me. “Have you seen my teeth? I don’t know where
I put them. I can’t remember.” She said, looking at me.

Oh boy. I had already cleaned the kitchen, and I didn’t see
any teeth. We all started combing around the house, looking for some pearly
whites. The kids were more than happy to help look for “used teeth”. All the
men still sat, unmoved, in front of the tv with the blaring bass. Someone got
up and did a high-five over the football game and a “most perfect pass” and
guess what was seen in the seat cushions. Teeth! They were very fuzzy now, and
had to be disinfected, but they were located.

Grandma looked over her false teeth and inspected them. She
then leaned over, and whispered in my ear (also spit in it, at the same time) “That
boy that sat on my teeth probably bent them, and now I’m gonna need new ones!”
She scolded.

I hugged her and consoled her while she picked couch fuzz
and crumbs out of them, and I walked off to find a q-tip for my ear. I was a
little overwhelmed, and so thankful for
all this company, I wanted to cry. Toilet floaters, false teeth, crazy kids and
blaring bass all got to me. I was losing it.

I went and found the remote to the booming bass and turned
it off. My brother immediately complained and said out loud “Uh, oh the heavy -weight
is on the rampage! Look out, she packs a punch!” Everyone snickered, but me. I
was over it. I just turned around and walked out of the room.

I sent the kids outside to play, reminding them of our new
swing set OUTSIDE.  Grandma was still
following me around the house, complaining about her teeth, so I found her a
seat by my sister. She could listen to Grandma complain, now.

I went to the kitchen window, took a deep breath, and
watched the kids playing on the swing set outside.  Watching the kids play made me smile. I just
watched the kids swing and slide and giggle. I actually was thankful for this
crazy, unorganized day.  All of the
problems were small issues, and I was truly thankful that we could be together
this Thanksgiving.

My brother came over to the window where I was standing and
stood beside me. “Thanksgiving dinner was good. All the food was great. Thanks
for having us over.” He smiled at me, knowing I was still mad at his
“heavyweight” comments, and patted me on the back.

“Listen, I can just call you “Champ”, for short. Okay?
That’s a better nickname for you.” That was his attempt at making peace, and I
accepted it. I was thankful. Very thankful…..


LINKS to look at:

For great backyard swing sets: http://www.playnation.com/


For great holiday recipes: http://allrecipes.com/recipes/holidays-and-events/thanksgiving/


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